More Fun, Less Stress At Family Gatherings

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Family get-togethers are often unsatisfying and difficult, rife with power struggles and nasty arguments. They can also be a lot of fun when you truly connect with people you care about. Here’s how to make holiday gatherings harmonious…

SHORT THE DURATION

                Shortening the party makes the most dramatic difference. The traditional seven-hour marathon-four hours of drinks and snacks, two hours of dinner, one hour of dessert and good-byes-is too much for most families.

ANTICIPATE TRIGGER POINTS

                The majority of problems at family events occur at two crucial moments…

                Arrival: You’re greeted with insensitive comments, such as, “Did you put on weight?” or “I heard you lost your job.”

                After drinks, but before dinner: Hungry and/or intoxicated guests sometimes provoke arguments by making hostile or challenging comments.

                Don’t let a comment or an argument ruin the holiday. Expect that someone will do or say something that will annoy you. Decide in advance how you will respond. You can…

·         Defuse the situation with humor. If an insensitive comment is made about your weight, say, “I guess this side of the family is just feeding me too well!”

·         Ask for help. “Not having a job is a bit stressful. I could use your support.”

·         Acknowledge the comments without reacting to them. Say, “Thanks for your input” or “I’m sorry you feel that way, but the holidays aren’t an appropriate time for us to have this conversation.”

·         Have an ally step in. It can be a spouse, a friend or another relative-someone who is aware of how family events get to you. If the situation becomes intense, the ally can speak up on your behalf or go outside with you for a walk.

CREATE A DEEPER CONNECTION

                A main reason why people feel so frustrated at family events is that they’re often expected to do what more influential or opinionated members do.

                Example: Your relatives spend Thanksgiving glued to the football games on TV-and you don’t like sports.

                What to do…

·         Spend time with one relative you really love and miss. Volunteer to run an errand in the car with that person so that you can talk privately. Achieving just one or two quality moments at a holiday event can balance negative ones.

·         Urges your host to set smaller tables for dinner and separate those known to argue.

·         Ask an icebreaker question at dinner that focuses on the positive. Let each person spend one minute answering.

Possible questions: What is your favorite family memory from past gatherings? What is your greatest hope for the coming year? Is there something that happened in the past year that you’ve struggled with and learned from?

References:

Leonard Felder, PhD, psychologist in private practice in Los Angeles and expert in family conflict resolution. He is author of seven books, most recently, When Difficult Relatives Happen to Good People (Rodale), www.difficultrelatives.com.