What NOT to say to your Kids

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Tired of trying to get your children to behave? The problem might be simply a matter of miscommunication…

• ·          DON’T USE A QUESTIONS INSTEAD OF A COMMAND. Parents often questions their kids instead of telling them what to do.

o   Don’t ask an “empty” questions -one that doesn’t even hint at what you want the child to do.

EXAMPLE:  A woman who wants her son to stop pushing boxes around in a store asks, Do you want a spanking? The child keeps pushing. Louder, she asks, What did I just say? Still no response. The child does not connect her questions with his actions. She should directly state what she wants him to do-Stop pushing those boxes.

o   Don’t pose negative questions-which invite negative responses.

EXAMPLE: When you ask your child, Can’t you clean your room? He/she is likely to respond with a simple No. Or he will think, Sure. But I don’t want to. Again, just tell him Clean your room.

o   Don’t end statements with “OK” or “ all right?” Parents who do this may be looking for acknowledgment that their child has heard them

-Put on your boots, okay?... We’re going to be leaving soon, all right? But the child thinks he is being asked for his permission. Simply state what you want your child to do-Put on your boots.

• ·         DON’T SPEAK AS WE. When you use we, you take responsibility for the very behaviour you are trying to influence. Your child hears we and decides that no action is required of him.

EXAMPLES: Were going to do better on our homework next time… Shall we take out the garbage?

Say you when you want your child to take the responsibility.

• ·         DO NOT REFER TO YOURSELF AS MOMMY OR DADDY. Parents tend to do this as a way of maintaining a connection with their children. It is easier to say, Don’t talk that way to Daddy or Don’t pull Mommy’s hair than it is to admit that your child is not being nice to you.

Children over age two-and-a-half use and understand personal pronouns, such as I and me and possessives, such as my or mine. Don’t talk that way to me …. Don’t pull my chair.

• ·         DON’T DEPERSONALIZE OBJECTIONABLE BEHAVIOR BY SAYING IT. When you use the word it, you are not specific about what your child did. Describe exactly what bothered you so that your child can take responsibility.

EXAMPLE: Instead of saying, It was a terrible day, say, you misbehaved all day. Instead of It was one of the most embarrassing experience I ever had, say, When you told your teacher to bug off during the parent-teacher conference, I was really embarrassed.

• ·         DO NOT EXPLAIN. Some parents always explain why they are asking children to do something -Don’t run into street or you get bit by a car … Stop interrupting. Its rude.

Always giving kids reason trains them to automatically ignore any command that is not accompanied by an explanation. They will always ask, Why? Before they listen. Issue the command with no explanation. If your child asks why, reply, Because I say so. Many parents are surprised to find that children accept this-and listen.

References:

Denis Donovan, MD, medical director, Children’s Center for Development Psychiatry, St. Petersburg, FL. He is co-author of What Did I Just Say!?! (Ownl).